Mama

Yesterday was Mother's Day and so naturally, I turn my thoughts to my own Mama.

She doesn't know this but I've always measured myself as a mother against her. I would always have this little voice saying, "Mama would do it this way and that or Mama would have dealt with that differently." Most times, I beat myself up because I know that she's a better mom and I'm convinced my kids are shortchanged just because they got me instead.

When my brothers and sisters were growing up, Mama hardly ever hugged us, except to greet us on our birthdays and Christmas. So it was actually a treat when I'm running a fever and she would put her cool hand on my forehead. Or when she would put Vicks Vaporub on my chest and back when I have colds. She was very restrained that way as if she was embarrassed to show even a little bit of affection.

Mama's always been a stay-at-home mom and so everyday when I came home from school, she would always be home waiting for us. She made sure there were homemade treats and snacks waiting for us. Some days there'll be ginataang mais, or cassava cake, or champorado. Sometimes, it's just pandesal and condensed milk. But it was always so comforting to go home knowing she'll be there. Then we tell her stories about school and classmates. She never offered any advise, she just asked questions and listened while she stood in front of the kitchen counter, making dinner.

Because she was always home, we always miss her sorely even when she would only be gone 2 or 3 hours to go to the palengke or when she visits her mother or when she goes out with her sisters. When she comes home, she'd always have pasalubong for us - candies, pastry treats, new slippers, etc. Even when she was away to spend time for herself, she was still thinking about us.

She never called me "Nang" which is short for inang, a local term of endearment. Daddy always called me that but not Mama. I never really paid attention to that and never realized that she didn't until I came here to the States. When I call, she would always ask me: Komusta na ka Nang? That's when it hurts most to be away. I would give an arm and a leg just to be beside her so I could tell her, just as I did as a child, how my day went.